The Great Panera Birthday Letdown
Today I was excited to get an email from Panera Bread, because when you are a 30-year-old single guy with no family and a job that’s more boring than a Moby song, something like this can actually get you excited. It’s my birthday in two days, so Panera sent me an email wishing me a happy birthday. That was very nice of them, and also surprising, since I haven’t received a birthday card from any family or friends.
The email said they put a special birthday surprise on my Panera card, so I had to head over there to find out what the surprise was. I had all kinds of ideas in my head, but was prepared for being let down, because it would be hard for Panera to deliver what I was imagining.
Was it what I was looking for? Not exactly. By not letting me know what the prize is, they let my imagination run wild, so I imagined the best fantasy birthday present that Panera Bread could offer. So while the free pastry was nice, it doesn’t top Kate Beckinsale popping out of a birthday cake, singing happy birthday to me and then feeding me soup. And in case you’re wondering, Kate was dressed as her character from Underworld. Hey, those movies may not be much plot-wise, but they’re fun to look at.
I suppose I was expecting too much from a company that pushes overpriced (but tasty) deli sandwiches and salads. If there is one restaurant that could offer a worthy birthday surprise, it would be Hooters, where food is secondary to boobs, tights and 80’s track shorts. Or someplace with an awesome New York Strip. Unfortunately, though I love pretty much everything else about Hooters, their food sucks. And since that’s kind of important for a restaurant, I don’t eat there.
So I started to think about what companies should be offering me a birthday surprise. To whom am I a good enough customer to reward? Free businesses like Facebook have no need to keep me happy. Bright House Networks should at least give me a free soft pillow or something since they rape me every month. They’re not the type to offer aftercare, though. Getting a birthday gift from an online dating site would only make my birthday more depressing.
Sorry that none of the dates you’ve had through our site have worked out for you. Since it’s your birthday, we want you to have a good time anyway. Click here for our free gift of a one month subscription to Maxim Magazine and some hand lotion. Yeah, that’s right, Maxim Magazine, the PG-13 version of porn magazines.
So maybe it’s best if no business recognizes my birthday. I’d rather people not realize I’m getting older anyway.
Update: Panera actually responded to my blog post in a tweet. See below. I wonder if they thought I was serious.