I resolve to … um …
It’s time to make a New Year’s Resolution. At least, that’s what I’m told. I’ve never actually made one. I’ve always skipped that tradition thus far because I know me, so I know I will never keep any resolution that I make. I’ve been on Chapter 2 of my novel all year long, it took me 6 years to get a bachelor’s degree because I kept dropping out and then deciding to go back, and I’ve never had a relationship last longer than 2 years, so I’m not exactly known for sticking with things.
This year I thought I was off the hook, but it seems you can’t count on those Mayans for anything. With the fresh start that accompanies the world not ending, I decided I want to make my first New Year’s Resolution. The problem is, because I have no experience, I don’t know what to resolve. So I decided to use this blog to brainstorm for resolution ideas.
Go to the gym every day. My gym attendance slacked off considerably over the last few months, so I’d like to get back to being consistent. I could resolve to go every day. Well, not every day. You need rest days. So every other day. Except for those days when I’m too tired from work. And holidays don’t count, of course.
Finish my novel. I was hoping to complete the first draft this year, but it turns out actually sitting down and writing is an integral part of the process. Not that I didn’t write during the year, but it was mostly blogs, stuff for work, letters to Russian brides, and the like. The problem is after a long day at work, I don’t feel like writing; I feel like
hanging myself sleeping. I could try writing the novel in my sleep. It would have to still be better than that E.L. James book.
Read the Bible daily. This year was the first time that I have read the entire Bible, every page, every verse, every word – even words like Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz. I should keep that going this year to make sure I read every day and complete the whole book again. Well, not the whole thing. Since I’ve already read it, I can skip things like all of the “begats” and the census stuff, right? I mean, surely I don’t need to know how many people were in the tribe of Issachar, right?
Give my dog more exercise. I love my puppy, but she’s so demanding, insisting that she be allowed to do things other than sit around the house all day. Sorry, but I have to work during the day. Don’t you think I’d rather lie around, take naps, and chew on shoes? When I get home from the office, I don’t feel like taking my dog for a run; I feel like
hanging myself sleeping. I used to take her to the local dog park, but then I realized that, contrary to what I had hoped, it is not the local hangout spot for all of the area’s hot girls. I have gotten to know a lot of nice old ladies, though, so it’s not a total loss. I could use their help because it’s cold right now and I don’t know how to knit a sweater.
Be a more productive worker. I know my boss would like me to be more efficient. The problem is I spend a lot of my time in the office thinking about
hanging myself sleeping. I should stop that and learn to appreciate having a job so I can do it to the best of my ability. To that end, I should definitely leave the law firm and get a job somewhere else. So add “spend more time on Monster.com” to my resolution list.
Have more sex. I’d like to have more sex in 2013. Preferably on a regular basis with the same person. And preferably for more than just 2013. Okay, that might sound like I’m looking for a long-term relationship. But that’s totally not what I mean, because that doesn’t sound like a cool, manly New Year’s Resolution, does it?
Waste less time. In 2012, I occasionally used my time to do something good. In fact, I never enjoyed myself more than when doing volunteer work, whether for my church or a local charity. Unfortunately, doing something productive with my time takes time away from watching TV, reading about whomever Lindsay Lohan hit with her car lately, watching random people do whatever dance is the current viral video, and finding out how many different things Katy Perry has worn on her boobs. It’s hard to use my time wisely as long as I have cable. In fact, right now as I have something I should be doing for work. But let’s face it, if I didn’t like wasting my time, would I have a blog?
By now, you should realize that keeping any of these resolutions is hopeless, especially the one about finishing my novel. Why, I’m not even going to bother finishing this post.