Writing posts like these definitely isn’t going to make people want to marry me
I was at another wedding yesterday, because as I get older I’m quickly running out of single friends. Most of you know that I have a love-hate relationship with weddings. I love the idea of formally declaring your commitment before friends, family, and God. I love getting to see all of the friends and family there. But I hate some of the expectations, such as the idea that I have to dance while I’m there. Also ties. Who was it that decided men’s formal attire should involve wearing a pretty noose around our necks that slightly strangles us throughout the evening? Of course, I’ll get no sympathy from the women, since high heels are even more ridiculous.
This time, I was lucky enough to be given a job at the reception. The groom asked me to do the stage lighting for the dance floor, which basically meant there were a few buttons I had to push every now and then. More importantly, it gave me an excuse to do something other than dancing.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not against dancing. I’m against me dancing. I won’t go into detail on that topic, since I already wrote about it in this post titled You’re Not Dancing; What’s Wrong With You? That post comes highly recommended, described as “a nice post” by someone who is probably a spam bot.
Since I didn’t have the stress of being expected to dance at the wedding, that gave me time to think about important things — things like “what would I want my wedding to be like” or “would it be bad manners to eat the cake up here at the DJ table” or “should I ask her to dance with me?” I know what you’re thinking: But you keep telling us you don’t want to dance! I know, I know. I’m a complicated person.
Because I know you’ll be unable to sleep tonight if you don’t know the answers, I didn’t ask for a dance and I didn’t get any wedding cake. Now, what would I want my wedding to be like? That’s easy: I would want it to be however the bride wants it. There are hundreds, perhaps even thousands of decisions to make when planning a wedding, but I think there’s only one that would be a big deal to me: the music. Some call me a snob, but I’d like to think I just have a low tolerance for bad music. You can pick whatever theme, food, and location you want and I’ll go along with it, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow Maroon 5 to play at my wedding reception! If I ever get married, I’m hand-picking the playlist. In fact, if you were to borrow my iPod, you’d see that I already started working on it years ago…
The wedding after-party went as you would imagine, starting with a few drunk people playing Jenga at a bar and ending with me leaning over the 26th-story balcony and explaining to a friend that, no, even if you’re certain you would land in the pool, jumping from here would still be a very bad idea. Overall, I’d say my wedding experience was a success. I got to celebrate the marriage of two great friends and my alcohol was free. Also, no one jumped off the balcony or saw me dance, so there were no major disasters. I think that’s the best you can hope for, since weddings never go as perfectly as planned. The important part isn’t the table settings, the photos, the gown, or any other part of the ceremony or reception — it’s finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess that’s the other thing I’ve been working on, in addition to the playlist. It’s not an easy task, though, because not only do I have to find the right person, I also have the improbable task of convincing her that I’m worth the commitment. At least if she has never seen me dance, that’s a step in the right direction.